Door Advertiser

We need to have a talk.
I just want to challenge you.  I know that you can do better than this current job you have.
You're going around stuffing cards and flyers in peoples' door jambs.  Some ads are for pizza.  Some are for lawn care.  Sometimes you hang those paper ads with holes cut out for peoples' door handles.
You need to realize that just because someone is paying you to do it...it doesn't mean you should do it.  I know your cousin who puts ads underneath windshield wipers says that the job is a "sweet gig", but he isn't going anywhere with his life.

...

You're old enough that I can be honest with you.  I just hate those ads that you're putting in doors.  Yes.  I was telling the truth when I said that the job is a waste of your time.  But I really hate those ads.
Every single time I have to bend down to pick up a flyer that has fallen out of my door jamb I feel like I'm 8 years old and the obnoxious kid in class has poked me in the face after "making me look" at my own chest.  In this metaphor, you are the obnoxious kid.
Furthermore when I find your ad I'm usually on my way out the door.  I'm late for work and there's not a trash can nearby.  I can't just leave it where it fell on the ground, BECAUSE DECENT PEOPLE DON'T LEAVE TRASH ON THEIR PORCHES MUCH LESS OTHER PEOPLES'.  So now I'm obligated to carry around your pointless ad until I can find the next trash can.  Inevitably it ends up sitting in my car until I get it cleaned the following month.

I will NEVER ever, I mean EVER call a number on one of those pieces of paper.  Every ad might as well say, "Now that I've wasted your time, I'd like your money."

In fact, the only way that these paper hanging ads would be effective would be for negative campaigning.  If you were working for a Democratic candidate, you could create a door hanger that has a giant picture of the Republican candidate's face and a caption saying, "I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS.  HAVE A NICE DAY."  This ad would earn the Democrat a vote.  But I digress.  The point is that these ads suck!

Have you consider that beyond annoying these "targeted messages" are offensive?  Do you think I haven't noticed that no one else on the block gets 3 ads a week from different house painting companies?  Your selectivity reads, "I was driving by your house and it looks awful.  Here are the obvious things that you need to fix in order to not be 'that neighbor' on your block."

Don't forget that you're wasting paper and are therefore complicit in deforestation, climate change, and our poor air quality.  There's that too.  I haven't forgotten that.

If you're going to keep this job, you're not going to use the family cars to drive around town in.  I don't want people to connect my car with door advertising.  My car is a Dodge Stratus and is better than that association.  Now go to your room and think about changing careers.