I get it: it's your job to get people to come to events. But your Facebook event invite for some shit band playing in an entirely different state is neither wanted nor effective.
Here's a Facebook invite to go to your room. RSVP to that, you ungrateful slut.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Friend That Doesn't Pay Back
Hey, can we talk?
I bet you're wondering why I've asked you to talk. By my tone, you may have gathered that I'm upset. Yeah, you're right. I'm kinda upset.
Do you remember that group activity that everyone was excited about that would only work if everyone chipped in? Did you enjoy it? I mostly did. I really enjoyed organizing and leading it, but didn't enjoy not getting paid by you.
Maybe you thought you paid. Maybe you just gave yourself the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you thought that when Obama was re-elected it was a year of Jubilee and all your debts were erased. Maybe you thought it would be more efficient for me to just pay for you than for you to tell me what you wanted for Christmas and get you a present.
You didn't pay. You shouldn't give yourself the benefit of the doubt. For you in particular, Obama means that you're going to get taxed more; Anti-Jubilee. I wasn't planning on getting you a Christmas present.
Friends like you make me want to stop initiating things with friends. I hate that. Don't be a jerk. Also, don't complain or assume leadership at the activity. That's twisting the knife, Bruti. Pay me back and immediately proceed to your room. Come out when you're ready to apologize.
I bet you're wondering why I've asked you to talk. By my tone, you may have gathered that I'm upset. Yeah, you're right. I'm kinda upset.
Do you remember that group activity that everyone was excited about that would only work if everyone chipped in? Did you enjoy it? I mostly did. I really enjoyed organizing and leading it, but didn't enjoy not getting paid by you.
Maybe you thought you paid. Maybe you just gave yourself the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you thought that when Obama was re-elected it was a year of Jubilee and all your debts were erased. Maybe you thought it would be more efficient for me to just pay for you than for you to tell me what you wanted for Christmas and get you a present.
You didn't pay. You shouldn't give yourself the benefit of the doubt. For you in particular, Obama means that you're going to get taxed more; Anti-Jubilee. I wasn't planning on getting you a Christmas present.
Friends like you make me want to stop initiating things with friends. I hate that. Don't be a jerk. Also, don't complain or assume leadership at the activity. That's twisting the knife, Bruti. Pay me back and immediately proceed to your room. Come out when you're ready to apologize.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Update: Serial Cereal Bowl Stealer
You think you're sneaky, don't you? I know you left your room. I know because you put my bowl back.
Is this a game to you? Or maybe you read my previous post this morning and remorsefully returned the bowl, but I doubt that.
Get back to your room before I tell your mother. This isn't over.
-Carl
Is this a game to you? Or maybe you read my previous post this morning and remorsefully returned the bowl, but I doubt that.
Get back to your room before I tell your mother. This isn't over.
-Carl
Serial Cereal Bowl Stealer
Carl here. I'm a man who likes routine. For the past year, I've enjoyed starting my work day in the office with a nice bowl of cereal at my desk. Some people need their morning cup of coffee; I need my cereal.
I always wash my cereal bowl and spoon in the office kitchen and leave it to dry. Until you came along.
I walk in this morning to get my bowl, and it's gone. Seriously? Why did you take my bowl? Why this morning of all mornings? Have you been planning this? Do you do this at offices all over? Are you a serial cereal bowl stealer? I think you are, and you need to go to your room. I'll be down here eating my cereal out of someone's tupperware.
-Carl
Door Advertiser
We need to have a talk.
I just want to challenge you. I know that you can do better than this current job you have.
You're going around stuffing cards and flyers in peoples' door jambs. Some ads are for pizza. Some are for lawn care. Sometimes you hang those paper ads with holes cut out for peoples' door handles.
You need to realize that just because someone is paying you to do it...it doesn't mean you should do it. I know your cousin who puts ads underneath windshield wipers says that the job is a "sweet gig", but he isn't going anywhere with his life.
...
You're old enough that I can be honest with you. I just hate those ads that you're putting in doors. Yes. I was telling the truth when I said that the job is a waste of your time. But I really hate those ads.
Every single time I have to bend down to pick up a flyer that has fallen out of my door jamb I feel like I'm 8 years old and the obnoxious kid in class has poked me in the face after "making me look" at my own chest. In this metaphor, you are the obnoxious kid.
Furthermore when I find your ad I'm usually on my way out the door. I'm late for work and there's not a trash can nearby. I can't just leave it where it fell on the ground, BECAUSE DECENT PEOPLE DON'T LEAVE TRASH ON THEIR PORCHES MUCH LESS OTHER PEOPLES'. So now I'm obligated to carry around your pointless ad until I can find the next trash can. Inevitably it ends up sitting in my car until I get it cleaned the following month.
I will NEVER ever, I mean EVER call a number on one of those pieces of paper. Every ad might as well say, "Now that I've wasted your time, I'd like your money."
In fact, the only way that these paper hanging ads would be effective would be for negative campaigning. If you were working for a Democratic candidate, you could create a door hanger that has a giant picture of the Republican candidate's face and a caption saying, "I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS. HAVE A NICE DAY." This ad would earn the Democrat a vote. But I digress. The point is that these ads suck!
Have you consider that beyond annoying these "targeted messages" are offensive? Do you think I haven't noticed that no one else on the block gets 3 ads a week from different house painting companies? Your selectivity reads, "I was driving by your house and it looks awful. Here are the obvious things that you need to fix in order to not be 'that neighbor' on your block."
Don't forget that you're wasting paper and are therefore complicit in deforestation, climate change, and our poor air quality. There's that too. I haven't forgotten that.
If you're going to keep this job, you're not going to use the family cars to drive around town in. I don't want people to connect my car with door advertising. My car is a Dodge Stratus and is better than that association. Now go to your room and think about changing careers.
I just want to challenge you. I know that you can do better than this current job you have.
You're going around stuffing cards and flyers in peoples' door jambs. Some ads are for pizza. Some are for lawn care. Sometimes you hang those paper ads with holes cut out for peoples' door handles.
You need to realize that just because someone is paying you to do it...it doesn't mean you should do it. I know your cousin who puts ads underneath windshield wipers says that the job is a "sweet gig", but he isn't going anywhere with his life.
...
You're old enough that I can be honest with you. I just hate those ads that you're putting in doors. Yes. I was telling the truth when I said that the job is a waste of your time. But I really hate those ads.
Every single time I have to bend down to pick up a flyer that has fallen out of my door jamb I feel like I'm 8 years old and the obnoxious kid in class has poked me in the face after "making me look" at my own chest. In this metaphor, you are the obnoxious kid.
Furthermore when I find your ad I'm usually on my way out the door. I'm late for work and there's not a trash can nearby. I can't just leave it where it fell on the ground, BECAUSE DECENT PEOPLE DON'T LEAVE TRASH ON THEIR PORCHES MUCH LESS OTHER PEOPLES'. So now I'm obligated to carry around your pointless ad until I can find the next trash can. Inevitably it ends up sitting in my car until I get it cleaned the following month.
I will NEVER ever, I mean EVER call a number on one of those pieces of paper. Every ad might as well say, "Now that I've wasted your time, I'd like your money."
In fact, the only way that these paper hanging ads would be effective would be for negative campaigning. If you were working for a Democratic candidate, you could create a door hanger that has a giant picture of the Republican candidate's face and a caption saying, "I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS. HAVE A NICE DAY." This ad would earn the Democrat a vote. But I digress. The point is that these ads suck!
Have you consider that beyond annoying these "targeted messages" are offensive? Do you think I haven't noticed that no one else on the block gets 3 ads a week from different house painting companies? Your selectivity reads, "I was driving by your house and it looks awful. Here are the obvious things that you need to fix in order to not be 'that neighbor' on your block."
Don't forget that you're wasting paper and are therefore complicit in deforestation, climate change, and our poor air quality. There's that too. I haven't forgotten that.
If you're going to keep this job, you're not going to use the family cars to drive around town in. I don't want people to connect my car with door advertising. My car is a Dodge Stratus and is better than that association. Now go to your room and think about changing careers.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Parking Structure Pariah
Wait, don't leave yet; there's something I need to talk to you about. I know your time is important so I'll be quick, I promise.
I saw you the other day, in the parking structure; in fact, you might recognize me as I was the one right behind you in line. Then again, you probably didn't notice me because you were so focused on finding the perfect parking spot. That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
I was wondering if you could explain to me why you felt it was necessary to stop in the middle of the aisle and wait for literally 10 minutes for the family of five to load in their shopping bags, strollers, and children into their minivan just so you could snag their parking spot. I'll admit it, it was a great spot: ground level, by the walkway, on the movie theater side - doesn't get much nicer than that - however, we were in a multi-leveled parking structure with elevators, multiple stairways, wheelchair access, and all the rest, so really, any spot would have sufficed, right? In fact, if you actually paid attention to your surroundings, you would have seen that the "Available Spaces" counter to your right was informing you there were 150 prime spots available just up on the next level. That's a lot of G.D. parking. Now, I know you think that your time is more valuable than everyone else's. I know that you think you deserved that spot, and that's why you chose to wait for it. Let's be realistic though, it's not and you don't.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that moving on and finding a different spot might, perhaps, cost a little more energy on your part. You might end up on the freeway side and have to walk all the way across the giant parking lot to a stairway or one of the elevators on the other side of the structure, and Heaven forbid you have to walk those additional 100 steps. Because that's the last thing you need - more walking.
Here's the deal though, I don't really even care if you want to wait it out for that prime ground-level spot. Maybe you're listening to a really good song or having a conversation with someone on the phone. Maybe you just enjoy being in your car. That's great. I, however, choose not to stay in my car when I don't have to, which is why I am angered that you managed to block the aisle just enough so that no other cars could get through. You can wait all you want for the best space possible as long as your little heart desires if you can let others get by you. As a result of your laziness and ignorance though, the entrances and exits of the whole north side of the parking structure were jammed, and those of us directly in line behind you were trapped without an escape, and that's just plain rude.
Oh what's that, Parking Structure Pariah? You're wondering if I'm done so that you can go and have a sleepover at Billy's house? Forget about it! Until you can learn proper parking etiquette, you're grounded. Now, go to your room!
I saw you the other day, in the parking structure; in fact, you might recognize me as I was the one right behind you in line. Then again, you probably didn't notice me because you were so focused on finding the perfect parking spot. That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about.
I was wondering if you could explain to me why you felt it was necessary to stop in the middle of the aisle and wait for literally 10 minutes for the family of five to load in their shopping bags, strollers, and children into their minivan just so you could snag their parking spot. I'll admit it, it was a great spot: ground level, by the walkway, on the movie theater side - doesn't get much nicer than that - however, we were in a multi-leveled parking structure with elevators, multiple stairways, wheelchair access, and all the rest, so really, any spot would have sufficed, right? In fact, if you actually paid attention to your surroundings, you would have seen that the "Available Spaces" counter to your right was informing you there were 150 prime spots available just up on the next level. That's a lot of G.D. parking. Now, I know you think that your time is more valuable than everyone else's. I know that you think you deserved that spot, and that's why you chose to wait for it. Let's be realistic though, it's not and you don't.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that moving on and finding a different spot might, perhaps, cost a little more energy on your part. You might end up on the freeway side and have to walk all the way across the giant parking lot to a stairway or one of the elevators on the other side of the structure, and Heaven forbid you have to walk those additional 100 steps. Because that's the last thing you need - more walking.
Here's the deal though, I don't really even care if you want to wait it out for that prime ground-level spot. Maybe you're listening to a really good song or having a conversation with someone on the phone. Maybe you just enjoy being in your car. That's great. I, however, choose not to stay in my car when I don't have to, which is why I am angered that you managed to block the aisle just enough so that no other cars could get through. You can wait all you want for the best space possible as long as your little heart desires if you can let others get by you. As a result of your laziness and ignorance though, the entrances and exits of the whole north side of the parking structure were jammed, and those of us directly in line behind you were trapped without an escape, and that's just plain rude.
Oh what's that, Parking Structure Pariah? You're wondering if I'm done so that you can go and have a sleepover at Billy's house? Forget about it! Until you can learn proper parking etiquette, you're grounded. Now, go to your room!
Sidewalk Bumper
Hey,
I know it's been a while since we've really spoken, but I need you to hear me on this.
When you are walking down a sidewalk and bump shoulders with someone, you need to apologize damnit. You can't keep pretending these people "just understand" that it was an accident and that things like this happen when people walk in opposite directions.
Your shoulder just slammed into me and knocked me off my walking course (of which I now need to re-align), and when I turn to see who did it, you are straight-faced walking steadily forward in your continued direction as if it never happened.
I hope you weren't planning on texting tonight, because I'm taking your phone away. Now go to your room.
I know it's been a while since we've really spoken, but I need you to hear me on this.
When you are walking down a sidewalk and bump shoulders with someone, you need to apologize damnit. You can't keep pretending these people "just understand" that it was an accident and that things like this happen when people walk in opposite directions.
Your shoulder just slammed into me and knocked me off my walking course (of which I now need to re-align), and when I turn to see who did it, you are straight-faced walking steadily forward in your continued direction as if it never happened.
I hope you weren't planning on texting tonight, because I'm taking your phone away. Now go to your room.
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